I should be changing the world

Last time I wrote about how I wasn’t the woman I wanted my daughter to know. And how this was growing out of the false narrative I had held onto that I had to be a give-it-all mom in order to be pleasing to God. Feel free to go read more about that (and a little background story about why I am even writing about all of this).

The second thing I realized was adding to my despair and causing my heart to atrophy was the mindset that I should be changing the world. I think that this primarily came from my years in college. I went a very Charismatic university, and (for the most part) I loved it. Some of my dearest friends were made during those years, as well as some of my fondest memories. But the primary messages that were planted in my heart during those years were these:
You are called to change nations
You are chosen to do amazing things
If you are truly following God your life will be full of wonderful adventures and never-ceasing opportunities where you will rarely be bored or have to do anything mundane.

And well, umm, that sure isn’t the life a stay-at-home mom is faced with every day. It is mundane. It can be incredibly boring. And while I truly do believe that I will have an impact on all sorts of people through my daughter’s life, that isn’t happening quite yet (and I honestly may never see it).

All of this was compounded by things like Facebook, blogs and Pinterest. Everyone else I know is doing amazing things. I have friends who are my age (note: most without kids or with older kids) that are traveling the world, or ministering and speaking to women or running their own businesses. Others (who do have kids) are writing books, blogging consistently, or being crafty & creative with their houses.
I was struggling to find energy to get myself dressed in the morning. My daughter’s sleep schedule made social events a near-impossibility. My depression & despair made the desire to even try to change a pipe dream.

When I realized the path I was making me a bitter & angry woman, and I began to dig deep into my heart to discover why, I found feelings of complete inadequacy. And not only that, I found that in some ways I was mad at what life had given me because it meant I couldn’t be doing all the amazing things I was supposed to be doing.

I had been soaked in messages of greatness, calling, adventure…destiny. And those messages were woefully incomplete (some of them even wrong). No one ever talked about the fact that most of us would end up holding very “normal” jobs, or doing very ordinary things (like being moms). No one ever explored the simpleness of following Christ, the ordinariness of walking out our lives in obedience.
As a complete aside, if you want to be challenged in your thoughts about the myth of destiny, check this out. It made a huge impact on me.

The funny thing is, when you look at my life, I do (and have) done quite a bit of traveling. My passport has all sorts of fun stamps, and my husband & I are called to spend our lives outside of America. But those are the very occasional highs. The real living, where Joel goes to work & I stay home and try to get my daughter’s diapers not to smell like fish-butt, or try and figure out what is for dinner again – that is what makes up 90% of my life.
To top it all off, I am married to a doctor. Which is (in many people’s eyes) like being married to a demi-god. Joel spends much of his life being told how amazing he is. How needed. How important. How smart. (Please understand, he definitely has his own cross to bear with this calling). He has a chance to impact people’s life daily. He is there when people are born, when they die, when they are sick & tired and needy.
I, on the other hand, was spending my day trying to figure out why my 10-month old was crying. Changing poopy diapers. Seeing other people’s lives of wonder on Facebook. Slowly losing touch with everything and everyone that brought a sense of purpose.

I had grown weary. This wasn’t the life I had signed up for.
I wanted to be important! I wanted to be in front of people! I wanted to travel, speak, write books, change nations…

I was wrong. So very, very wrong. I had incorrect ideas that had taken root in my heart and were causing death. And I realized how much I needed to change in order to see “life more abundant” where I am now.

Next time I was write about a few more things that brought me both to despair & subsequent realization, and then I will share how I am chasing down the dawn. Because, thank God, I am.

Not the woman I want my daughter to know

I am sitting here sipping tea while my little one sleep. Thinking again of the process my heart is going through. (Here is a little background to this story). Depression and despair are (sadly) not strangers in my life. When I was a teenager I struggled with high highs and low lows. And although age, maturity and experience have helped me to mellow out quite a bit, I am still prone to fall over the cliff into despair. Usually, however, I am able to find my way out from those ditches fairly quickly. This time I found myself fighting mindsets I didn’t even know I had, and experiences that were quickly adding enough weight that I was unable to recover.

About six weeks ago I begin to really seek help. There were several trigger points that pushed me to this, but probably the most effective one was the realization that I wasn’t the person I wanted my daughter to know. I was miserable, unhappy and growing bitter at her and this call to motherhood.

I found that buried deep within me was a belief that unless I was a full-time, stay-at-home, pour-everything-I-am-into-my-children type of mom, I was living God’s second best and cheating my kids out of God’s perfect plan for them. It is hard to try and explain this, but as a woman who is driven and passionate, putting aside everything for the mundane of motherhood was challenging (to say the least). And it wasn’t that I necessarily minded the challenge. But I found my heart slowly atrophying because all desires I had for anything outside of my little girl were quickly smothered out in the name of “good parenting”.

Personally, becoming a parent has been one of the most life-altering moments of my life. All of my priorities shifted. Suddenly there was a little person that I would honestly take a bullet for without a second thought. I was completely blown away by how much I love my grace-girl. And I believe deep in my heart that raising my kids is one of the most important callings of my life. But the problem was that one of the most important things became the only important thing.

I am the type of person who does everything or nothing. I am really horrible at maintaining a life that is paced. I am either “saving the world” or sitting on the couch staring into the distance with a blank look on my face. This isn’t a good thing. It’s a pretty major character flaw. Being a mom was (is…) so often (for me)…well, boring. I was blessed with a pretty amazing sleeper, but that meant I needed to be home a lot. Because she sleeps in her crib. Not in a car seat. Not in my arms. In her crib. For at least 4 hours a day. And 12 hours at night.

That’s a whole lot of alone time, friends. At one point I realized that I had been in my house for nearly 3 weeks straight. I had only left maybe twice to run to the grocery store. I was dying on the inside. And doing it so nobly (look at me! look how sacrificial and good I am at being a mom! look at how angry and bitter I am becoming inside…).

 Several weeks ago I overheard someone say “I would NEVER want to be a stay-at-home-mom”. The person who said this is pretty close to me & sees into my world a lot. And I knew why she had said it. Because my life was miserable. I was miserable. I was killing myself on an altar of sacrificial parenting.

I began to think about how I want my Makena to remember me. To think of me when she is 30 and walking through her own life story. I want her to know me as a joy-filled, satisfied woman. A woman who knows who she is, and is content in Him and in her place in life.

But the path I was on was leading me the opposite direction.  I thought Godly parenting meant that I had to completely abandon everything outside of my children (except, of course, for my husband & God). This was creating a woman who was bitter, angry & small. Not the woman I want my daughter to know.

I was wrong. And it was hurting my whole family.

What about you? What wrong ideas are you holding onto that are hurting you? Your family? Your kids?

More to come soon on my journey into life, but it all started with realizing I was holding onto some significantly incorrect ideas…

Happy Easter!

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow
Because He lives, all fear is gone
Because I know He holds the future
Life is worth the living, just because He lives.  

Hidden in darkness

It has been many months since I have put my pen to this paper. Long months of struggle. And now I am back to try and share some of my story.

In late October we found out we were expecting again. We were both very excited to hear this news, as we had been hoping to have another little one added to our life. We were also in the middle of looking for a new house as we knew we would be needing more space. We moved late December. It was the fifth house my husband and I have lived in since we were married six years ago and the ninth time I had moved since graduating college in 2004. Yes, ninth.

Between pregnancy, the reality of mothering a 9-month old and moving into a unique but old house (read, very difficult to keep warm), something in me just sank. I begin to hide in my Kindle, reading worthless books and trying to run away from the reality that was my life. It didn’t help that my husband was also finishing up several very challenging months of residency where we hadn’t seen each other and we were figuring out how to be married and parent.

Over the last few weeks I have been gratefully seeing the sun shine more, both in the reality of the spring season and in my own heart. And so I am back. Because I want to share my story to encouraged someone else, and to share the things that helped to pull my heart out of a dark place.

I have missed this place. I am happy to be back.

Challenged to excellence

A few weeks ago my little family headed out of town for a week long retreat hosted by my husband’s residency program (which is a pretty incredible place, I must say). Every year they send all the second year residents & families out to a beautiful camp for a week of training and rest. The training mostly consists of some amazing speakers who encourage our hearts & challenge us in our call as well as our view on missions, helping the poor, and reaching the lost. Did I mention the residency also pays for on site babysitting the whole week so that spouses can join in? Yea, pretty unbelievable.

One afternoon I had a chance to steal away & spend some time by myself. It was wonderful. I was in the middle of reading an enjoyable book (Simplicity Parenting by Kim John Payne, and yes, I recommend it) when all of the sudden I felt compelled to begin to journal. Which is odd for me because lately my journaling has been more of a “I should do this” habit rather than a compelling force. And the strange thing was I began to journal about my home. Or more specifically, about being a homemaker.

For those of you who don’t know me well (or at all), I am a strange creature whose passion is administration & logistics. I get all excited about large events where things need to be organized & arranged. All the better if there are several thousand people involved who also need to be organized. Love. it.
Well, as I was journaling a quiet voice in my heart said, “For someone whose passion is administration, you should have an incredibly well run home.” And it struck me so deeply…because it’s true.

I know I am not alone when I say that I often forget to apply the passions and talents I have to my home. I even think sometimes about how they are “going to waste”. Shame on me.

So I journaled, and prayed, and thought good things about how to make my home a place where my gifts and talents are utilized.

I am excited to share some ways I have started to do that, but in the meantime, I hope that you will start to consider what gifts & talents you have that are underused in your home and greatest sphere of influence. Writing? Speaking? Crafting? Hospitality? The possible ways your home could thrive under your care are endless.

~ Melissa

P.S. Update on the sewing machine. It’s not going to be cheap to fix…so now I am in a quandary. Do I spend the money to fix it or put that money towards a new sewing machine? Hmmmm. Let me know if you have any thoughts. It’s a Montgomery Ward 1939.

P.S.S. Really, how adorable is this little girl? Amazingly adorable. That’s how. And a drool monster. But an adorable drool monster.

Warm little baby legs, some tea and curry soup

It has been a good few days. The dashing Dr. is on a rather challenging rotation right now & spends many hours away from home. I have found myself shut away for days and days. In fact, at some point last week I realized that except for groceries & maybe a library run I hadn’t left the house in nearly TWO WEEKS. What??

Unhealthy.

So I asked a friend to rescue me. And she did. With tea, and a curry soup that made my heart sing. Her sweet little boy is just weeks old, and it’s already hard for me to remember what my own was like at that age. So little! Of course, the fact that my own is already in 12-18 month clothes also means she outgrew that little stage rather fast.

Speaking of baby girl & her uncanny ability to outgrow EVERYTHING, I had some time to whip up these adorable leg warmers before tea. Thank you Pinterest! I think I need to start a new board called “I rocked this”. Because these warmers would need to be on that board. It took me all of 15 minutes to cut & sew these by hand. Granted, the sewing is a little sketch, but they are adorable all the same! I have a few more I am making, so I will post that project soon!

I mean, come on, isn’t she adorable?

Later, inspired by my amazing craftiness, I stopped by the sewing shop to get needles & thread for an old sewing machine I was given. I imagined myself spending hours churning out leg warmers, doll clothes, all sorts of amazing cloth creations. I got home, threaded it up & then. It didn’t work. Well, it turned on. But it sounds like the belt is broken. Boo! So off it goes to the shop. I will let you know how this story ends, but don’t think I am done for. O, no, sewing machine. I shall conquer you yet.

The truth is, of course, that unless I had cried out for some tea and curry soup, I would have never had the heart energy to think about crafting. I needed to be rescued from my lonely little state. Thank God for friends who are willing to rescue.

If you need to be rescued, I highly recommend you pick up the phone. Or a pen. Or perhaps even a good book, or the The Truest Book. Don’t be like me and sit alone in your house for weeks on end moping coming up with good excuses not to go out.

More to come on my craftiness soon!
~ Melissa

Writing for my heart

This blog has suffered, and I often wonder why. I think it’s because I get frozen when I go to write. I think about the people I want to read this blog. I think about what they might want to read, or need to hear. I think about the fact that it is a “doctor’s wife” blog, so shouldn’t I include something about being a doctor’s wife in every blog? Or at least marriage? Or residency? Or…something medical?

But the truth is that this blog doesn’t really do what I want it to…it’s not a creative outlet for my heart. Not a place where I come and pour out all of my thoughts onto a blank canvas and just see what picture is painted. Not a place where I simply share my life. The simple and ordinary parts of every day, as well as the great revelations.

I hope to change that.
No, I must change it. Or this blog will continue to stagnate & become lifeless. Burdensome. Difficult.

So, here’s to a new season of sharing what is simply happening every day in this woman’s life.  The boring, the inspiring, and hopefully it will all turn out to be simply beautiful. Because isn’t “everything beautiful in His time”?

To enjoying this blog as part of the journey,
~ Melissa